Uncomfortable stuff makes us real.

I always say I prefer depth over surface. And I know for sure, liking depth is uncomfortable. But it feels real. It feels alive.

Confused? Let me explain my version.

Imagine we have 100 friends. We are friendly with all of them. We talk about comfortable and safe things. For examples: recommendations for the trendiest hangout spots, outfit ideas for a wedding, delicious restaurants with big portions, good books to read before sleep, songs that are perfect on loop. All of that is fun. There is nothing wrong with it. But honestly, that's not depth. That's just surface. The good news, light talks can open the gate to deep talks. :)

Why do I call it surface? Because in those conversations, nothing is at stake. There is no risky honesty. We only exchange information, not ourselves.

Honesty is one of the deepest forms of depth, and honesty can only be born from uncomfortable conversations.

What do I mean?

Take a partner, for example. You can't possibly talk only about "where should we eat?" or "what should we watch?" every day. If you want to know someone deeply and exclusively, you have to start opening your real self. Slowly. Layer by layer. You have to show your fears, your wounds, your dreams that sometimes sound weird, the principles you hold on to so tightly.

If you only talk about the surface, it is comfortable. There will be no conflict. You just get "oh yeah, I like that place too". You get insight, but you don't get intimacy.

But if you talk about depth, you will inevitably enter honest topics: the fear you hide the most, unachieved dreams, the life vision and mission you have been building slowly, your current state, past traumas, your picture of the future. All of that is not comfortable to reveal, honestly speaking.

Honestly, even I, when I enter that topic, feel like I want to disappear from the world. You have to be truly vulnerable. You have to take off the armor you have been wearing. I'm scared. So scared. 😅

Note: Even this writing feels uncomfortable because I have to give an example of a conflict between two people (a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law) and it sounds like gossiping too. But I must write it in order to give a real conflict and its solution. :)

Especially because I am an idealist. Too idealistic, even. For me, things can't be just worldly. They have to connect with my principles like faith, morals, adab, barakah. So I can't just say "just go with the flow". It has to have meaning.

The most real example for me is when talking about marriage. I'm so scared of conflicts between two families like in soap operas (even though I never watch soap operas 😅). The kind where they smile in front of each other, but talk behind each other's backs about each other's flaws. They say "it's okay" in front, but complain all day behind. 

You can clearly see there, the energy that should be used to build a solid team is leaking. Wasted for nothing just by talking behind backs. The main goal of understanding each other is never reached. And it can go on for years, who knows until when. It's so exhausting to imagine. A relationship that should be the safest place becomes the most draining place.

Honestly, I never want to know about other people's private lives. Even when I accidentally hear my neighbors arguing, I feel uncomfortable immediately. But from the stories I accidentally hear, the pattern is the same.

There is one case that sticks in my head. A daughter-in-law lives near her in-laws. One day she cooks chicken in her kitchen. The scent reaches her in-laws' house. But she doesn't share it, not even a small bowl. In the end, it becomes gossip. It spreads everywhere. "The daughter-in-law is stingy", "The in-laws are too sensitive". Even though the problem was just a bowl of chicken.

I was confused, so I asked my mother as my friend to talk to. Her's answer was simple but it hit hard: "Actually it's easy. The daughter-in-law could just give a little piece, so the mother-in-law's heart wouldn't hurt from smelling the scent but feeling like she is not cared for as a parent. But the mother-in-law also shouldn't demand the daughter-in-law to be perfect as she wants. Both need to talk about how each side should act so the relationship is comfortable in the future."

From there I understood. The problem is not the chicken. The problem is two people who need to be acknowledged, but no one dares to speak honestly directly.

Personally, I like that: discussion. Exchanging perspectives. Because humans are born different. It is impossible to be 100% the same. I know that. Different backgrounds, different upbringings, different wounds, different ways of loving. So everything really has to be talked about honestly and openly. Not bottled up.

Alhamdulillah, I am used to living in a family where if anything happens, we talk about it. So it feels relieving. The energy doesn't leak into guessing games, but is preserved for future improvement.

A small example, when I buy functional things like spoons and forks, or ribbon for curtain ties that even costs only 6,000 IDR on the marketplace, I always tell my parents,"I bought a ribbon, it's six thousand." So when the package arrives, they are not confused or suspicious, they even ask "has your package arrived? Is it as expected?". It's small, but it's an exercise in honesty. An exercise in creating a sense of security.

I am used to this pattern of honesty and openness because it is emotionally safe at home. And for that I am so grateful. Alhamdulillah. But deep down, I know that some people also grow up in the environment where being honest is not secure because of some reasons so yeah I don't judge anyone here. :)

However,

When I hear about a child who has something unsaid to their parents, a daughter-in-law who has resentment towards her in-laws, or vice versa, but they don't open up honestly to each other and instead talk behind each other's backs, it feels strange to me. How can the energy that should be used to build a sense of security, peace, and productivity for each party be wasted on gossip? "sangat disayangkan sekali"

I am indeed quite idealistic, too strong even. So much that I didn't know that for many people, talking behind backs is considered normal. It's common. Whereas for me, it's so much nicer to talk about discomfort openly. Yes, it's uncomfortable for the first 10 minutes. You want to cry, you want to disappear. But after that, you feel relieved. There is no misunderstanding that is kept for years. Conflict can be prevented before it becomes resentment.

Because for me, a relationship among humans is not a competition about who is most right, who sacrifices the most. A relationship among humans is teamwork. A team that wants to be safe together. And a solid team is not built from comfortable chats about cafe recommendations. A solid team is built from uncomfortable chats about "I need you to be like this" and "I can't be like that yet, what should we do?".

Uncomfortable stuff makes us real. And real, even though it's uncomfortable, is the only place where love among humans can stay for a long time. ✨