I am writing this not as a defense, not as an attempt to make anyone understand me. I am writing this simply because as I get older, I realize that many people think they know me, but they actually don't. And honestly, that's okay.
I have never been too bothered by being misunderstood. I learned that explaining yourself to people who already have an assumption about you is pointless. That is normal. I myself am also full of assumptions rather than truths. So I don't blame anyone.
I am writing this only as clarity. As a human being, even though I am more solitary than social, I still live among people. And sometimes, to move forward lightly, you need to let out what's been sitting in your heart for a long time. So that you can start a new chapter without feeling guilty, without carrying any leftover emotions. That's all.
There are three things that people often get wrong about me.
1. I Love Consistency
The world is already too complicated. Too noisy. Too tiring. For me, consistency is like a calm place in the middle of all that chaos. It is a form of peace.
To me, consistency is when words match actions. When what you say is proven by what you do every day. It is not about big promises. It is about small, daily proof.
For example, in a romantic relationship. For me, consistency means if you say you love one person, your behavior should show it. If you say this person is special, then you should treat them as special.
What I mean by special is emotional access. In a relationship, you give a very whole and exclusive emotional access to one person. Your stories, your thoughts, your worries, your daily life, you share it with that one person. You don't give that same deep access to everyone else. Because if you give it to everyone, then what makes your partner special? What is the point of the relationship then?
A relationship, for me, is a solid team. It is just two people who have exclusive access to each other's life, thoughts, and emotions. Not because we want to control each other, but because we want to protect our energy. We want to feel safe. We don't want our energy to leak everywhere.
Unfortunately, for some people, this feels like a prison. They think it is too restrictive.
But for me, it is just a standard for feeling safe.
Many people think I am possessive because of this. But possessiveness, in my definition, is very different. Possessive is when you need to know where your partner is 24/7. When you forbid him from having hobbies. When you forbid him from hanging out with their friends. When you check his phone every hour.
I never do that. In fact, I support my partner having his own life, his own hobbies, his own friendship circle. Go ahead, do your hobbies with your male friends. Play sports, go out, grow. I will support that.
What I actually dislike is a man who collects a lot of female friends for no clear reason. That is the only thing that bothers me. Not because I am jealous of every woman, but because in my view, a person like that loses his aura. His energy is scattered. He is giving his emotional energy to too many people, when that energy could be used for something much more useful like for his own life, or for our life together.
It is about focus. If we are in a team, our focus should be on the team.
2. I Hate Double Standards
I am the type of person who, when I am with one person, my energy is fully for that one person. I can't look at anyone else anymore. My heart just automatically closes for others. It is not forced. It just happens.
So it is confusing for me when people treat me with double standards.
For example, he tells me to set boundaries with other men. Even if those men are just friends. He tells me not to be too close, not to share too much, not to give too much attention. And I listen. I will stop. I will do what my partner wants, because I respect the relationship and him.
But then, the same person does not do the same thing for me. He tells me to keep distance, but he himself stays very close to many other women. He forbids me from doing something, but he does exactly what he forbade me to do.
What is that called, if not a double standard?
Don't try to find personal advantage in a relationship. A relationship should be fair. We should both take care of each other's hearts in the same way, so that the relationship becomes strong. So that both of our energies can be focused on more useful things, instead of fighting all the time just because we can't maintain boundaries with the opposite gender.
Our energy as human beings is limited. Why should it leak everywhere?
It would be so much better if we acted as a team. Both of us building a better version of ourselves every day. Having fun together every day because of our own inside jokes. Supporting each other. Isn't that nicer?
If you tell me to do something for the sake of the relationship, I will do it. But please do the same thing for me. That is all I ask. The same rule should apply to both of us. That is not demanding too much. That is just fairness.
3. I Never Force Anyone to Stay
In any relationship, I never force anyone to stay. Including my partner. If it cannot be continued, especially if my partner has found someone much better than me, I will not hold them back.
The only thing I ask for is honesty. Because honesty is much better than lies. I will not tell them to choose between me and the other person. If a third person has already entered the picture, that is a sign for me to leave. That is it. The important thing is that everything is talked about openly. Honestly.
I don't hate it if my partner eventually finds someone else. Maybe our story has ended there. That is life. People come and go.
But at least there is no lie in it. At least everything is clear.
I think honesty, even if it hurts, is kinder than a sweet lie. A lie might feel comfortable for a moment, but it destroys trust forever. And without trust, what do we have left?
So no, I will not beg. I will not chase. If you want to go, go. Just be honest about it, so I can also make peace with it and move on.
These three things are actually the main foundation of the relationship I have always wanted. But so far, I haven't found anyone who can build it with me, and I don't know why.
If these three foundations are there, consistency, no double standards, and honesty, then we can start thinking about other things for our future life together. Like preparation for a more serious stage, our careers, our finances, and so on.
If the foundation is strong, the relationship will also be strong. If one of them, or even all three of them, collapses, then it will definitely fail.
For me, these three things are very simple. But apparently, they are heavy for other people. And that is okay. Like I said in point number three, I never force anyone.
In the end, a long-lasting relationship is not about giving each other gifts every day. It is not about grand romantic gestures. It is about feeling safe first. If we feel safe, we can build anything together much better.
