I'm so obsessed with feelings and human's soul.
It sounds weird. Yes, I know. It really does. When people say they're obsessed with something, they usually say money, fashion, travel, food, skincare, something visible. Something you can post.
But me? I'm obsessed with something invisible. Feelings. Soul. The inside part of a human that no one can see but everyone can feel.
But maybe God created me that way on purpose. Maybe He intentionally made one version of a human who is just wired differently. A human who lives for feelings and internal validation, not external validation.
I want to drop the reasons why below, because I think I finally connected the dots from my childhood.
When I was a kid, I used to watch singing contests on TV. Like, all the time. And I don't know why, I always roleplayed as if I WAS the singer. 😂
My mom had this traditional Javanese long batik fabric, we call it "jarik" in Javanese, but in English it's basically just a long piece of patterned fabric. Moms usually keep it in the cupboard. I took it and I designed it as if it was a dress. A real gown. I wrapped it around my body as of it was a concert dress.
And whenever the singers on TV were singing, I was singing too. In my jarik gown. In front of the TV. Alone. No audience. No judges saying "yes" or "no."
And there, I felt it. That happy feeling that comes from within. Not because someone praised me. No one was even watching. I was happy from the inside out. That was my first lesson of internal validation.
Another story. My neighbor sold phone credits for a living. She had a small table in front of her house with a little banner that said she sells credits. And I roleplayed as her too.
I sat in my house and pretended I was her. I imagined a customer coming, "Excuse me, can I buy some credit?" And I pretended to be busy, typing the number, taking the fake money from cut papers, giving change. Super weird, right? 😂
But again, I got that same happy feeling from within. Not because I earned money, because it was all imaginary. I got happy because I got to FEEL what it feels like to be someone else. To be a woman waiting for customers, running a small business, being needed by people. I was practicing empathy without knowing the word empathy.
Then in primary school, I accidentally opened a geography book. It wasn't even my book. I think it belonged to my elder sister or it was from the school library. It was full of capital cities of every country, famous rivers in every country, highest mountains, flags, populations, everything.
Most kids would close it after two pages and say "boring." But I read it like it was a novel. Like a fantasy novel. I remember thinking, "Oh, so Cairo is the capital of Egypt and the Nile River is there. Oh, Tokyo is the capital of Japan." And I felt happy. Again. Happy from within.
I think I wasn't happy because of the information itself. I was happy because my soul was traveling. My physical body was stuck in a small house in a small town, but my soul was already in Egypt looking at the Nile. My soul was in Japan looking at Mount Fuji. No passport needed. Just a book and a feeling. That was another training for internal validation.
In this adult life, those three weird experiences trained me to be who I am now.
I'm obsessed with feelings and internal validation that comes from within my heart. I literally can't fake it. When my heart says happy, my face automatically becomes happy. My eyes, my smile, my energy, everything happy. And otherwise. When my heart says sad, tired, disappointed, anxious, my face automatically shows it.
I can't hide it because my face has subtitles on it. 😅 Like a movie. Auto-generated subtitles. "Current feeling: overthinking." "Current feeling: in love with someone's soul." "Current feeling: empty because this is just surface-level stuff." I try to hide it, I really do. I try to be professional and put on a neutral face. But I fail.
It becomes weird because in my previous post I said I'm a logic person. And I AM a logic person. I love logic. I love things that make sense. I love analyzing, structuring, solving. But at the same time, I'm always attracted to feelings, to soul. It's a contradiction, I know. 😅
But here's why: Logic can solve everything except soul. Soul can't be hidden, it's abstract, it can change every single day, and it can never be solved by logic. Ever.
You can make a logical plan for your career, but you can't make a logical plan for why you suddenly miss someone at 2 AM. You can logically explain how a car engine works, but you can't logically explain why someone's eyes look so anxious even when they're smiling.
And that's why I'm obsessed. Because feelings are the only thing that logic cannot kill.
Also, I'm obsessed with feelings because feelings are always true and honest. That's the main reason. Feelings don't lie.
A person can say "I'm fine" with a perfect smile. But their soul says "I'm scared." Their energy says "I'm exhausted." If you really pay attention, you can feel it.
That's why if I had a superpower, I would like to have eyes that can see through someone's soul, so I know what they are feeling for 24 hours straight. Haha I know it sounds scary. Like a creepy superpower.
It is scary, I admit, but what else can I do? It's just who I am. I'm like a little devil who loves human souls because human souls are expensive and authentic. 😈🤫😎
Normal humans are happy when they have a lot of money, they say. For me, money is just a transaction tool. You get it, you use it to pay for something, and after that it's empty again. The feeling is gone. Empty.
Or people love shopping. For me, shopping is just buying things you need to live physically. You buy clothes, you wear them, after that it's empty again. Empty.
Or vacation, hanging out. For me, it's just moving from an old place to a new place, taking pictures, going back home, and after that it's empty again. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just not filling my soul tank.
But if you talk about seeing through someone's soul? Wow. Every single day there is something unique. That's why I love it. 🤫😅
Today someone might feel brave and scared at the same time. Tomorrow they might feel like a 5-year-old kid who just wants to be hugged. The next day they might feel guilty for something they did 3 years ago. The next day they might feel incredibly loved but too shy to say it. Every day is a different weather inside a person. Today sunny, tomorrow cloudy, the day after tomorrow stormy but with a rainbow at the end.
How can you get bored with that? You can't. It's like watching a never-ending series with a new episode every day. And every episode is honest.
So that's the reason why I once said I always pray to God not to change my character. The character I mean is this one: to always be happy from within and to always love human souls, not just what they look like from the outside.
Because humans can look so strong from the outside, but not necessarily from the inside, right? Sometimes there is fear about this and that, worry about this and that. Someone can look so tough and independent on the outside, but inside they are just a scared child who wants to be safe. Someone can look so successful, but inside they feel like a failure.
That's what I mean why I love soul. Because it's real. It cannot be covered by appearance, by material possessions, or even by brain intelligence. You can have the most expensive bag, but you can't buy a peaceful soul. You can have a PhD, you can be the smartest person in the room, but you can't graduate from feeling empty sometimes. Soul is raw. Soul is true.
And I love truth.
So, what about you? Do you also love human souls? Or do you only love the outside appearance?
Answer honestly. Because even if your mouth says something else, your soul will answer it anyway.
