We grow up thinking that being authentic means you have to be the same person everywhere. The same tone, the same style, the same personality from your Instagram bio to your family dinner table. Neat. Tidy. Predictable.
But the longer I live, the more I realize it's the exact opposite.
Being authentic is messy.
And messy here does not mean bad. It does not mean broken, fake, or unstable. Messy means you contain multitudes. It means you allow different versions of yourself to exist, as long as those versions come from comfort, not from performance. As long as you are doing it because it feels right inside, not because you want someone out there to be impressed.
We all have several versions of ourselves. We pull them out depending on the container we are in. And this is not being fake. This is actually what authenticity looks like in real life.
Let me take myself as an example. This is just an example, not because I am self-centered, okay. 😬
It's just that I don't know whose example I should take if not my own. 😂
The older I get, the more I ask myself: who am I really? Am I being authentic because I am truly comfortable and happy, or am I actually just fake?
Why do I ask that? Because I started to notice that I have divided myself into 3 personas in 3 different containers. And I didn't set it up on purpose. My heart just automatically switched.
I was confused because those 3 personas are 180 degrees different. So I thought, am I authentic or am I fake?
Persona 1: The Social Media Self
On Facebook, Instagram, Threads, and WhatsApp, I am frontal. If I see a post about injustice, I am not calm at all. I go into full senggol bacok mode. 😼 Then in the next minute, there is the silly side of me laughing at absurd memes, or the main-character-wannabe me when watching movie character edits with phonk background sounds, although I'm a non-player character in real life. 🤫😂
There is also the rebel side, almost like a happy psychopath who weirdly enjoys watching a torture scene in a film, not because I am cruel, but because I am fascinated by how dark humans can be. It is messy. If someone only saw this side, they would think I am not a good person at all. Like a criminal. 😆
But honestly, I am happy in this mode. It feels like all the weight is released. There is no filter. No need to be calm and aesthetic. I can just be me.
Persona 2: The Blog Self.
Here, on this blog, I don't know why, but I become as if I were a philosopher. I can dissect what's inside my head about anything. I can name a feeling that I didn't know had a name. I can analyze the reason behind anything that I feel and think.
My head feels like it is in the sky. I become a true observer, watching my own life from above. I write reflections like this one. And it feels natural. I am just trying to understand myself so I don't drown inside my own head. 😊
Persona 3: The Real Life Self.
And then there is the real-life version. In real life, I am extremely ordinary from any side. My look is as it is, even like a beggar too often. 🤣 I like living simply to feel peace.
So I was confused. How can I automatically change in every container? Even I myself don't know why.
Is that fake? Because it's so messy even though it's still one person? 🤨
Then I realized: authenticity is exactly like that. Authenticity is messy as long as your comfort and happiness come from within.
So maybe authenticity is not about being one solid statue that never moves. Maybe it's about being water. Water takes the shape of its container. In a glass, it looks like a glass. In a river, it looks like a river. In a teardrop, it looks like a teardrop. But it is still water. It doesn't become fake water just because it changes shape.
If you feel the same confusion, ask yourself one question: when you are in that version, do you feel afraid of showing what makes you happy just to protect your image? If you don't, then, congratulations. You're authentic.
Your messy is valid. Your different personas are not a sign that you are lying. They are a sign that you are alive, and you have found different homes for different parts of yourself to stay sane. ✨
