Yeah, it is weird. Because all this time I've lived as a hardcore idealist. :)
I'm the kind of person who, when I watch the news, I want everything to be fixed. I want the world to be fair, clean, safe, everyone to be kind, no one gets hurt, no more forest fires haze, no one starving, no dirty politics. Just ideal. If it's not ideal, I get disappointed. I get angry. I get exhausted. 🙂
Until finally at this point I realized, it is precisely this desire for a 100% ideal world that makes me never at peace. And tonight I wrote down 3 paradoxes that slowly made me make peace.
PARADOX 1: THE WORLD WAS INTENTIONALLY CREATED TO BE NOT IDEAL. AND IF IT WAS ALWAYS IDEAL, IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS.
I used to think a good life is a life that is safe, fair, and predictable. Turns out that's the definition of Jannah, not the definition of dunya.
In this world there are two circles. This hit me the hardest.
The small circle is what I can 100% control: my effort today, my sleeping hours, whether I pray on time or not, how I talk to my family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, how I treat animals, how I respond when there is a problem, whether I litter or not.
The big circle is what I cannot control: who becomes the leader, when El Nino will end, why the forest fires this September are still in a critical phase with 1.3 million hectares burned, why my cousin was treated badly before his passing, why my cousin never got the happiness in the world before he returned to Allah etc.
My problem all this time: I spent 90% of my energy thinking about the big circle that I cannot change, and only 10% on the small circle that I actually can change. It's reversed.
But Allah already gave the formula so clearly:
Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. (QS. Ar-Ra'd: 11)
Not change the world first, but change yourself first.
Then I thought, what if this world was truly ideal all the time, what would happen to me?
I would never learn patience, because there is nothing that makes me have to be patient. I would never learn gratitude, because everything is always there. I would never learn tawakkul, because everything I can control. I would become spoiled, fragile, and arrogant.
Muscles only get strong when given a load. Iman is the same.
And this worldly life is nothing but amusement and diversion; and indeed, the home of the Hereafter – that is the life, if only they knew. (QS. Al-Ankabut: 64)
This verse above is so honest. This world is indeed a playground, a testing ground. Not a retirement place. The ideal retirement place is later, its name is heaven. If I force this world to be heaven now, I will be disappointed forever.
So this non-ideal world is not a bug, it's a feature. It was designed that way so that I would want to go home.
PARADOX 2: WE ARE TOLD TO DO IKHTIAR 100% AS IF EVERYTHING IS IN OUR HANDS, BUT TAWAKKUL 100% AS IF NOTHING IS IN OUR HANDS.
This is the paradox that makes an idealist like me most dizzy. 😅
Our logic says 50-50. Just do 50% effort, 50% tawakkul. But Islam is not like that. Islam asks for 100-100.
I am told to work hard, study, take care of my health, save money, tie my camel as hard as I can as if if I don't tie it, the camel will be lost. But at the same second, after I do all of that, I am told to raise my hands and say, "Ya Allah, I leave the result to You. I am pleased with whatever the result is."
The Prophet PBUH said:
Tie your camel, then put your trust in Allah. (HR. Tirmidzi)
Not "let your camel loose and say I'm doing tawakkul". And not "tie your camel and then feel that you are the great one". But both.
In the morning, I ask myself: what are 2 small things that can make today still good, even though the world outside is messy? That's ikhtiar.
In the afternoon, I filter what enters my head. I don't need 10 videos of the same tragedy to be able to care. One video is enough to know, the rest only makes the heart cloudy. That's also ikhtiar to guard the heart.
At night, I do tawakkul. I have done my part. The result is no longer my business.
I used to think tawakkul was lazy surrender. Turns out tawakkul is hard work without forcing the outcome.
Our job is not to solve this paradox. Our job is to live in the middle of it.
PARADOX 3: IDEALISM IS A COMPASS, NOT A MAP. AND FOCUSING ON YOUR OWN AFFAIRS DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE TONE DEAF.
This is the most personal one for me this week.
Because so many things are happening in Indonesia right now - haze everywhere, disasters everywhere - I felt guilty. "How come I'm only focusing on my work, my family? How come I don't keep sharing the news? Am I becoming a tone deaf person who doesn't care?"
I was afraid of being called apathetic. ☹️💔
But it turns out it's different. Tone deaf is when our heart is dead. We see people's suffering and then we laugh, or we say "oh, you're exaggerating". That's tone deaf.
Whereas what I'm doing is hifz an-nafs, preserving the self. I still know what's happening, I still pray for them, if I have sustenance I help donate, but I don't let the algorithm suck up all my energy until I can't function in my small circle.
Caring doesn't have to be performing care on your story every hour.
The idealism that I used to use to judge the world, now I use to direct my steps. The difference is huge.
If idealism becomes a judge: "The world should be fair! Why is it like this!" - I become angry all the time.
If idealism becomes a compass: "The world is not yet fair, so today in my small circle, I want to try to be fair to 1 person" - I gain energy.
So my principle now is: Realistic in the big circle, hardcore idealist in the small circle.
In the big circle I'm realistic: Yes, the world is still hazy. Yes, there are still many things not fixed.
But in the small circle I'm idealistic without compromise: I want to be honest, I want to be clean, I want to be trustworthy, I want to listen to people sincerely.
The Prophet said:
This world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever. (HR. Muslim)
At first it sounds sad. Why a prison? But slowly I understood. It's a prison because the believer restrains himself. Restraining anger, restraining from riba, restraining the tongue, restraining the eyes. All the rules that make you not free in this world are precisely what will make you truly free later in the Hereafter.
So for you who are also an idealist like me, please don't throw away your idealism. The world needs people like us.
Just please, move your idealism. Don't put it on your back as a burden that makes you hunch over. Put it in your hand as a flashlight that lights your path and the path of people around you.
That truly ideal place exists. Its name is heaven. There, all the prayers of us idealists that were unanswered in this world will finally come home and be perfected. 🤍✨
