I don’t know why I wanted to drop this out here today. Usually, whenever I get way too emotional over something, I prefer to ghost the world for a bit, analyze my feelings, and map them all out. In the end, it turns into a piece of writing like this.
Well, I Just realized that my biggest enemy in life is literally myself. Sounds weird? yeah, it does. 😄
I honestly have no idea why, the older I get in age (definitely not in mindset yet, hehe, because that’s a continuous process), the more confused I get about my own self.
For instance, when my brain takes full control, when I’m operating purely on logic, my heart feels so at peace. The world feels like it’s full of nothing but blooming flowers, my physical body feels energized and ready to do some productivity, my appetite is great. Basically, life is at its absolute peak, and whatever I do, I’m just smiling non-stop.
Sadly, people looking at me during those times probably think I’m heartless or selfish just because I’m totally content being happy on my own. But honestly? That’s the exact moment when everything I do becomes super neat and structured. 😅
And yet, how is it that when I switch to being super emotional, running purely on feelings, everything suddenly turns into a total disappointment? Whether it’s because my expectations are set sky-high or for reasons I still can't explain, the world instantly goes pitch black. My body feels weak, my appetite vanishes, and don't even ask about productivity. All I wanna do is lay there like a couch potato, feeling like my existence on this earth is utterly useless. ☹️
At moments like that, I don't want anyone else to see me falling apart like a chaotic roller coaster although it's normal for humans.
The weird part is, sometimes I’m not even in either of those modes. I just feel like a rock, or a block of ice, straight up living on autopilot. 😐
Stuff like this always makes me wonder: Am I actually practicing self-awareness right now, or am I secretly self-sabotaging all over again?
After doing some digging, I realized that self-awareness and self-sabotage are completely different things, even when they happen in the exact same situation.
Self-awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own character, feelings, motives, and desires without judging yourself. It’s when you can step outside of your own head, observe your mental/emotional patterns objectively, and understand how your inner state actually affects your behavior and interactions with the world.
While self-sabotage is when we, either consciously or unconsciously, create our own roadblocks that lead to failure or unhappiness, basically hurting our own progress. It usually pops up because of deep-seated fears, limiting beliefs, or avoidance coping mechanisms that ruin our growth, relationships, and emotional stability because deep down, we feel like we don't believe in ourselves.
I often see other people moving through life without overanalyzing every single risk, trusting people easily, and not stressing out over the distant future. Yes, basically just letting things flow. If they fail or succeed, they'll figure it out later, as long as they did their best today.
Why can’t I be like that? Why do I have this weird urge to have two superpowers at once?
First, the ability to read people's minds 100% so I always know what they think of me and what their next move is. Second, the ability to see the future so I can prep for every single disaster and always have an escape route ready when life doesn't go my way. Yeah, classic blessing and curse of being a chronic over-observer. 🙂
And yet, on the flip side, I also desperately want the power of invisibility and total anonymity. I don't want anyone reading me or figuring me out. I just want to completely vanish from the face of the earth the moment someone catches a glimpse of my fragile, vulnerable human side. 😅
Super unfair, right? I know it's a massive contradiction, but what can I do? 😐
Actually, back when I was a kid and a teen, I wasn't like this at all. I could actually enjoy my free time without feeling guilty about it. I could talk to people without meticulously overthinking whether every single word I said was "right" or "wrong," and I could make decisions without being paralyzed by the fear of failing later on.
Now, stepping into the adult world, I feel straight-up lost. On one hand, my inner child is still dragging around this black-and-white mindset.
Meanwhile, the adult world operates entirely in shades of gray. There's always the reason behind. Yes everything is so complicated.
The most contrasting part is, I am painfully aware of my own mental capacity and my strengths. But at the exact same time, I am fully aware of all my flaws. That's probably why I relate so hard to self-deprecating humor; I know deep down that the real problem isn't the rest of the world, it's literally just me. :)
So, I’m writing this not for any specific reason other than to know: Who am I anyway? Why am I like this?
Those questions aren't fully answered yet because they're existential ones. They can only really be answered by living through them, feeling them firsthand, and searching for whatever meaning is hidden underneath.
So, let me ask you: Do you ever feel like this sometimes? Or are you the type to just let things flow? Honestly, both are totally valid. The most important thing is that we keep growing and figuring out how to be whole human beings. 🤍
