A few days ago, I wrote about 3 biggest changes when approaching 30.
You can read it in the link below
3 Big Changes I’ve Noticed as I Approach 30
Now I want to write about the 3 biggest fears that I feel as I’m almost 30.
I think it’s not just me. Out there, there are a lot of people thinking about the exact same thing.
Let’s get into it.
1. My Parents Are Getting Older
I was born as the youngest child after my little brother passed away when he was still a baby.
And as the youngest, I’m super close to my parents. Both of my older siblings went to other cities to work for a long time. So I was the one who saw my parents’ daily life. From when I was a baby until now, I’m the one who knows everything about them.
Seeing both of my parents getting older... honestly, I’m scared.
For 29 years I’ve lived, me and my siblings were supported by them. Emotionally, financially, and every other kind of support. Our family life wasn’t luxurious, but it was simple. A lot of struggle, but it was enough. It was contented. How do I even explain it? 😅
I’m just being honest here. I made my parents my compass. I don’t know how, but I’m so grateful to be born to them, to be raised by them into who I am today. That’s why I love them so much. I’m terrified of them getting sick or something happening to them.
Even though every single second I pray to Allah to give them health and a long life, the fear is still there. Especially when it’s past 9 PM, my brain starts overthinking.
"What if this? What if that?"
Even though I know prayer is powerful, my heart still gets heavy.
Because the truth is, they were my home. The first people who believed in me. The first people who taught me how to be kind, how to work hard, how to be grateful with little.
And the idea of life without them being strong and healthy? It’s the scariest thought I have.
But I also know this is part of life. Everyone’s parents get older. The best thing I can do now is take care of myself so I can take care of them. Spend time with them. Make them laugh. And keep praying. A lot.
2. I’m Afraid to Ask for Help & To Be In Debt To People
I don’t know if this is just me being too independent or not, but honestly I’m scared to depend on other people. I’m scared to ask for help. I’m scared to bother people.
Which is weird, because on the other side I LOVE helping people. Especially if there’s a problem-solving process in it. Seeing someone else’s problem get lighter because of me? That feeling of "Alhamdulillah, I was useful as a human" is the best.
But then, I’m terrified of being on the receiving end.
The most absurd part? I’m not even married yet, but I already think about it.
Like, “What if I become a wife, and my husband gives me nafkah or provides for me as his wife according to Islamic law, will he be sincere about it? Or will I feel like owe him because he spends his time working just to provide for me not for himself? I feel like I’m not worthy of accepting that. :)
Girl, I’m not even married yet but my brain is already 10 steps ahead. 💀😬
Is it because I’ve always tried to do everything by myself? Maybe.
Being independent has a positive impact: I can put so much effort into anything by myself without bothering anyone else.
But the negative impact is this: I’m scared to bother other people. Even though maybe the person who helps me is thinking the exact same thing — "I like helping to lighten your burden." Right?
It’s like I forgot that relationships are a two-way street. It’s not always about owing. Sometimes it’s just about being human together as a team. Giving and receiving.
But my brain hasn’t caught up to that yet. My brain is still stuck in "must do it all alone" mode. :)
I’m learning. Slowly. That asking for help doesn’t make me weak. And receiving love or support doesn’t automatically mean I’m in debt. (Hopefully)
3. I’m Afraid of Not Being Authentic Anymore
The last fear is becoming inauthentic.
If you call me idealistic, yes I’m hardcore idealistic. I don’t know, since we were little our parents and teachers taught us to do the right thing. So the older I get, the more scared I am of making mistakes. Even though I know mistakes are human, and perfection belongs only to God.
In terms of things you can see, I choose simplicity. Lifestyle, house, clothes, everything.
But in terms of mindset, I want to keep growing. I want to keep looking for halal opportunities. I don’t want to disturb other people’s lives. I don’t want to do anything criminal. I just want to keep doing good things.
That’s why I sometimes think: "What if I get older and I’m not like this anymore?"
I’m so scared of changing.
Every day I pray to Allah to not change my character, no matter what situation I’m in.
Maybe my way of thinking is weird. I don’t know. The thing is, I’m the type of person who always thinks. And not just about today. I think about 5-10 years from now. As if I need to have a clear picture of everything.
Even though when the time actually comes, Allah will definitely have another way out for me.
In Islam, thinking about the future is actually good. But it doesn’t mean you have to overthink. Because in the Quran it’s already clear that Allah takes care of His creations.
"For each one there are successive angels before and behind, protecting them by Allah’s command." — QS. Ar-Ra'd:11
So yeah. That’s it. Those are my biggest fears.
I’m just a normal human with a lot of fears. Even though half of them I created myself.
I can’t live spontaneously. Everything has to be thought through carefully.
The good impact of that is: I’m prepared.
The bad impact is: I don’t enjoy the life that God has given me right now.
I’m trying to change that.
My hope after writing this is that I can turn fear into peace. Just like in the Twenty One Pilots song - Car Radio.
"Peace will win and fear will lose."
Because approaching 30 shouldn’t just be about being scared. It should also be about being proud. Proud that I’ve come this far. Proud that I still have a compass. Proud that I still care.
And maybe that’s enough for now.
So, if you relate to any of this, you’re not alone. We’re figuring it out together. ✨
