Hello world! I’m back with confusion, not food, okay so… 😅
Tonight feels a little heavy, so I decided to write. I just watched a meaningful Instagram Reel about ujub (being proud of oneself in a way that crosses into arrogance.) And honestly, I felt a bit attacked. Not because I believe I’m arrogant, but because sometimes I wonder: what if it looks like that from the outside?
Actually… no. It’s not exactly like that. But since confusion is the theme of my writing tonight, let me break down what my biggest confusions are.
As an INFJ, reflection is one of my favorite things to do besides eating and sleeping, of course, hehe. I love mirroring myself. I love discovering what I said today to the people I met, recalling what I thought about certain situations, replaying conversations in my head, and trying to understand why I reacted (or didn’t react) in certain ways. I love making peace with myself.
And right in the middle of reflection and searching for meaning in life, there is confusion.
Weird? Maybe, for some people.
But it is what it is!
1. Having standards in my life, does that make me arrogant?
People who know me often say I look “cold” or even “heartless,” especially because sometimes I don’t react. But the truth is, I’m not a robot. I have a heart, and yes, it works perfectly fine. I feel emotions deeply.
The thing is, I prefer to reflect on what I’m feeling first before reacting. I don’t like responding impulsively when my emotions are still chaotic. Unfortunately, this pause is often misunderstood. Silence is seen as indifference. Calmness is mistaken for a lack of empathy.
The more I try to understand myself, the more I realize that I’m actually a very mediocre person with very complex thoughts. I can drown in my own mind. And maybe because of that, I don’t feel like I need external validation to feel alive. That part is true.
For some people, this can feel intimidating. It can look like I don’t need anybody. But that’s not entirely accurate.
Deep down, I actually love interacting with other people. I enjoy humor, light conversations, jokes that make everyone laugh without hurting anyone. I love warmth. I love human connection. I just don’t like unnecessary tension, or conversations that attack others without purpose. :")
I genuinely feel that everyone is equal. I don’t feel higher than anyone because I’m afraid of Allah. But I don’t feel lower either because that would mean being ungrateful for what I’ve been given. So I stand in the middle. Equal.
That’s why, when I’m in a situation that no longer feels healthy; when conversations turn into attacks, negativity, or pointless conflict, I choose to leave. Not because I feel superior, but because I’m tired. It’s not the environment I want to be in. I don’t see any goodness growing there.
Honestly, when I meet friends I haven’t seen in a long time, I always ask, “How are you? Are you doing well?” I don’t immediately ask where they work or other personal matters. Not because I’m cold, but because I respect boundaries. And also because my mind is already busy enough with my own thoughts. (I'm sowwy. 😅)
So yes, I have standards. But are standards the same as arrogance to others?
While for me, it's simply a way to protect inner peace. 🙂
2. If I love self-growth and want a partner who grows too, is that arrogance?
As a friend with no emotional attachment I’m actually very easygoing. I can talk about anything. I can be calm, supportive, and accepting. Why? Because I have no expectations about whether someone wants to grow, chase dreams, or stay where they are. That’s their life, and I respect that.
But everything changes once there is emotional attachment.
When feelings are involved, I start caring more. And caring more sometimes looks like “trying to manage someone’s life,” even though my intention is simply to grow together whether it’s about dreams, goals, values, mindset, or self-development.
I understand that people are different. Some are comfortable living life as it flows. They don’t feel the need to chase anything. They just want peace, stability, and a calm routine. And honestly, that’s beautiful. There is nothing wrong with that.
But there are also people who love exploring life. People who feel alive when they challenge themselves. People who want to know how far they can go, how much they can become. Not because they are ungrateful but because their brain needs constant stimulation to feel alive.
And that’s not wrong either.
It doesn’t mean wanting to dominate.
It doesn’t mean looking down on others.
It doesn’t mean feeling superior.
It simply means different characters, different inner needs.
So when I want a partner who enjoys growing, reflecting, and upgrading themselves together with me, does that make me arrogant? Does that count as ujub?
I don’t think so.
As long as the intention is not to control, not to belittle, and not to feel “better,” then it’s not arrogance. It’s compatibility. It’s honesty about what kind of relationship nourishes the soul. 😊
3. If I like investing and buying things based on function, is that arrogance too?
Alhamdulillah, I’ve experienced working life. I learned about investing. I plan for the future. I buy things because I need them, not because of prestige or social status.
But sometimes I wonder: when I talk about these things, do I sound arrogant as a woman? As if being financially independent and understanding financial literacy is something “too much”?
My intention has never been to show off. When I talk about finance, it’s because I’ve been given knowledge, and I want to share it. I want people to be inspired not to be wasteful, to understand the difference between needs and wants, and not to get trapped in consumerism created by capitalism. (Capitalism is my immortal enemy, actually hehe)
Why?
So life can feel calmer.
So finances feel stable.
So people don’t complain every day because things feel “never enough.”
But somehow, when a woman talks about finance, investments, or specifications, she’s often labeled as “trying too hard,” “acting smart,” or “dominating.” As if women shouldn’t talk about these things. 🙂
For example, when buying a smartphone: some phones are overpriced with average specifications, but people buy them because of the brand. I’m the type who checks deeper like chipset, fabrication, UFS or eMMC, performance to price ratio so the money spent actually matches the value.
But when I explain this, it’s sometimes misunderstood. Like I’m trying to prove something.
So I ask myself quietly:
If Allah gives us knowledge, and we use it to help others avoid wasting money, does that always mean we want to look smart? 🙂
My intention is simple: so that money can be used for more important needs.
Still, being misunderstood hurts.
And yes, sometimes it makes me sad. Hehe. (Gwenchana) :")
Maybe these confusions will never fully disappear. Maybe being an INFJ means constantly questioning intentions, our own and others’.
But perhaps the fact that we ask these questions already proves something important:
Arrogance doesn’t question itself.
Self-awareness does.
And maybe… that’s enough.
